Vroom. Snore. Vroom. Snore. That's the movie, then me. The movie, then me.
Speedy Speed Racer may be. But fast it is not.
It's the latest from Andy and Larry Wachowski, creators of The Matrix, who are up to their new tricks: a CGI-a-thon for families as an alternative to an amusement park. This isn't a roller coaster ride, it's a roller coaster.
Speed Racer's first incarnation was as a Japanese animé that surfaced in 1967, entitled Mach Go Go Go by its creator, Tatsuo Yoshida. Then it came to American television with its new English title and became a cult hit with a narrow fan base in the '60s, revived several decades later on MTV as a campy throwback.
The premise: a youngster nicknamed Speed Racer goes around the world racing his car, the Mach 5, and with the help of his girlfriend and his parents, tries to become one of the world's great high-speed racers. When trouble brews, he has to save his family business and the racing game itself.
Not exactly an elegant or sophisticated narrative, to be sure, but perhaps refreshingly straightforward and unpretentious for any open to its charms.
The one thing we can say for sure is that it's certainly located in the fast lane. That is: I lost interest fast, I disliked it fast, and I exited fast when it finally, finally ended.
Emile Hirsch (the lead in Into the Wild) stars as Speed, the racing fiend behind the wheel, with Christina Ricci as his girlfriend, John Goodman and Susan Sarandon as his parents, Mom and Pops Racer, and Matthew Fox (of TV's "Lost") as his rival, Racer X.
Speed Racer is a high-octane family adventure, a mix of racing mayhem and family ties. Or is it racing ties and family mayhem? Either way, it's a disenfranchising, irony-free exercise for all but the most patient viewers.
The Wachowskis, who watched the original cartoon series on TV as kids, are after a family audience this time, shooting this effects-driven thriller in high definition and oversaturating the surreal colors like an explosion at the Crayola factory.
Once again, they offer groundbreaking special effects (it was "Bullet Time Photography" in The Matrix, now it's "Racer Time Photography"), delivering a visual experience that begs for the big screen, preferably Imax, the process the film is also playing in at certain theatres.
But it's a movie you look at rather than watch, endure rather than enjoy, with strained attempts at juvenile wit and charm that rival pancakes in the flatness department.
And why the Wachowskis feel the need to go over two hours to tell a story this one-dimensional and thin, in front of an audience skewed so young, is anyone's guess. This movie, intended as a high-velocity thrill ride, is far too long. And there are far too many races which, despite the background changes, look and feel pretty much alike.
Oh, there is, for adults who can remain awake and curious, a metaphor about capitalistic power buried within the narrative. But appreciating the film for that element is like admiring a car for its first-rate glove compartment.
So what do we have here? A colorful, loud car-toon that's somehow dizzying, confusing, juvenile, and irrelevant all at the same time, offering little in the way of fun for all but those immune to carsickness.
So we'll rev up 2 stars out of 4 for the Wachowski sibs' latest, a frenetic, headache-inducing, live-action animé. For all but very young children and very loyal cult fans, Speed Racer is an interest eraser.
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Not exactly an elegant or sophisticated narrative, to be sure, but perhaps refreshingly straightforward and unpretentious for any open to its charms.
