That's the legend that kicks off The Men Who Stare at Goats, which, I kid you not, was inspired by actual events.
But the many who stare at this quirky, herky-jerky non-turkey soon realize that, truth shmooth, dramatic license has been rather freely indulged.
Not, as they say, that there's anything wrong with that.
Loosely (oh, so loosely) based on Welsh author Jon Ronson's 2005 nonfiction best-seller, The Men Who Stare at Goats is a surrealist exploration of eccentricities in the US government's defense budget spending.
In its most inspired moments -- which are not constant but are at least frequent -- this fanciful, farcical film, replete with sight gags and zippy one-liners, recalls such great military satires as Dr. Strangelove and Catch-22. But while it lacks their cohesiveness and impact, it nonetheless remains thoroughly unpredictable and zanily entertaining.
George Clooney stars as Lyn Cassady, a US operative of some indefinable sort. He calls himself a "psychic spy," but Clooney plays him as if just might be the most deluded madman in the known universe.
He teams up with Bob Wilton, an ambitious reporter (played by Ewan McGregor) whom he meets in Kuwait as they head into Iraq.
Wilton, just recovering from the heartbreak of being dumped by his fiancée, is searching for the story of a lifetime and now feels that perhaps he has found it -- although even he himself can't really believe much of what this nutty Hopalong Cassady says.
But he'll pursue the 2003 "mission" described by Cassady anyway. It was, says Cassady, an outgrowth of a top-secret program developed by the military in the '80s.
Together, they try to track down pigtail-coiffed, counterculture-embracing Vietnam veteran Bill Django (Jeff Bridges), the missing founder of the US Army's First Earth Battalion -- the unit, according to Cassady, devoted to the investigation of telepathy and other paranormal powers and psychic phenomena for use in modern warfare.
It was Django who pushed for the application of "hippie-dippy" values and New Age philosophy to combat training and war waging.
Perhaps, their mandate suggested, American soldiers could be trained to kill with their minds. And perhaps they could practice on those cute little four-legged creatures saluted in the film's title.
The nemesis of Django and Cassady is sly, sardonic officer Larry Hooper (Kevin Spacey), who just might have sabotage on his fertile, antagonistic mind.
We spend a lot of viewing time shaking our heads and seeing The Men Who Stare at Goats -- the film itself -- as crazy.
But it's also sparklingly provocative, with ideas bouncing off the walls at every turn. We're nearly always smiling, even when we're not laughing. And there's enough irony on tap to, well, choke a goat.
Does the film ultimately add up to much? Not sure. Is it ultimately a shaggy dog story? Maybe. Or a doodle, like the ones McGregor's Wilton draws early on? Again, maybe. But whatever else it is, it's pretty darn funny.
The cast is in fine form, with Clooney channeling Clark Gable at his nuttiest, McGregor overcoming any accent problems he might be having, and Bridges and Spacey showing us a flash of their old character-actor magic.
Grant Heslov -- Clooney's longtime writing and producing partner and the co-screenwriter of Good Night and Good Luck -- employs a light touch in his directorial debut, working from a screenplay by Peter Straughan that has two thin storylines that eventually converge but mostly wander off wherever they feel like -- which is, in a way, part of the fun.
So we'll divine 3 stars out of 4 for this absurdist and thought-provoking combat-omedy about psychic soldiering. Despite its army of jokes, The Men Who Stare at Goats may not be all it can be, but it's easy to grow -- and stay -- fond of.
Movie Reviews - Week of 11/16/09
KYW movie critic Bill Wine gives his thoughts on the movies "Planet 51," "New Moon," and "The Blind Side." (3:02)
Movie Reviews - Week of 11/9/09
KYW movie critic Bill Wine gives his thoughts on the movies "Precious," "2012," and "Pirate Radio." (3:02)
Yada Yada Movies - Weekend of 11/13/09
This week KYW's Steve Nikazy and KYW movie critic Bill Wine take a look at the drama "Precious," the adventure disaster "2012," and the comedy "Pirate Radio." (17:24)
Yada Yada Movies - Weekend of 11/06/09
This week KYW's Steve Nikazy and KYW movie critic Bill Wine look at the comedy-war film, "The Men Who Stare at Goats," the animated re-make, "A Christmas Carol," and the horror-mystery-thriller "The Fourth Kind." (18:45)
Movie Reviews - Week of 11/2/09
KYW movie critic Bill Wine gives his thoughts on the movies "The Men Who Stare at Goats", "A Christmas Carol" and "The Fourth Kind". (3:01)
Yada Yada Movies - Weekend of 10/30/09
KYW's Steve Nikazy and KYW movie critic Bill Wine take a look at the Chris Rock documentary, "Good Hair," Michael Jackson's "This is It," and the action-crime-drama "The Boondock Saints 2: All Saints Day." (17:43)
Movie Reviews - Week of 10/26/09
KYW movie critic Bill Wine gives his thoughts on the movies "Good Hair", "This Is It" and "Boondock Saints II: All Saints Day". (3:00)
Yada Yada Movies - Weekend of 10/23/09
KYW's Steve Nikazy and KYW movie critic Bill Wine take a look at the animated adventure "Astro Boy," the bio-drama"Amelia," and the action-adventure-comedy "Cirque du Freak: The Vampire's Assistant." (17:20)
Movie Reviews - Week of 10/19/09
KYW movie critic Bill Wine gives his thoughts on the movies "Astro Boy", "Amelia" and "Cirque du Freak - The Vampires Assistant". (3:00)
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George Clooney stars as Lyn Cassady, a US operative of some indefinable sort. He calls himself a "psychic spy," but Clooney plays him as if just might be the most deluded madman in the known universe.
